How To Stay Young
Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks
Human Resource Lingo
The Wisdom of Will Rogers
15 Pieces of Advice
Top 100 US Screen Romances
The Top 100 Heroes & Villains
Comedy's Top 100 Films
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
And last, but not least...22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"Thanks, Amar How To Stay Young1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
By George Carlin
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
DATING (Outside the Family)
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Human Resource Lingo
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
The Wisdom of Will Rogers
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
(a.) The ones that learn by reading.
(b.) The few who learn by observation.
(c.) The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY ... After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him ...
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS, GRANDDAUGHTERS, FEMALE RELATIVES, FRIENDS, ETC.
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Top 100 US Screen Romances
The classic black-and-white love story Casablanca has topped a poll for the American Film Institute of the top 100 US screen romances.
1. Casablanca, 1942
2. Gone With the Wind, 1939
3. West Side Story, 1961
4. Roman Holiday, 1953
5. An Affair to Remember, 1957
6. The Way We Were, 1973
7. Doctor Zhivago, 1965
8. It's a Wonderful Life, 1946
9. Love Story, 1970
10. City Lights, 1931
11 to 20
Numbers 21 to 30
31 to 40
41 to 50
51 to 60
51. Bringing Up Baby, 1938
52. The Graduate, 1967
53. A Place in the Sun, 1951
54. Sabrina, 1954
55. Reds, 1981
56. The English Patient, 1996
57. Two for the Road, 1967
58. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, 1967
59. Picnic, 1955
60. To Have and Have Not, 1944
61 to 70
71 to 80
81 to 90
91 to 100
AFI LIST: The Top 100 Heroes & Villains
1. Atticus Finch (Gregory Peck), To Kill a Mockingbird.
2. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford), Raiders of the Lost Ark.
3. James Bond (Sean Connery), Dr. No.
4. Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart), Casablanca.
5. Will Kane (Gary Cooper), High Noon.
6. Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster), The Silence of the Lambs.
7. Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone), Rocky.
8. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), Aliens.
9. George Bailey (James Stewart), ItUs a Wonderful Life.
10. T.E. Lawrence (Peter OUToole), Lawrence of Arabia.
11. Jefferson Smith (James Stewart), Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.
12. Tom Joad (Henry Fonda), The Grapes of Wrath.
13. Oskar Schindler (Liam Neeson), SchindlerUs List.
14. Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars.
15. Norma Rae Webster (Sally Field), Norma Rae.
16. Shane (Alan Ladd), Shane.
17. Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood), Dirty Harry.
18. Robin Hood (Errol Flynn), The Adventures of Robin Hood.
19. Virgil Tibbs (Sidney Poitier), In the Heat of the Night.
20. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, (Paul Newman and Robert Redford), Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
21. Mahatma Gandhi (Ben Kingsley), Gandhi.
22. Spartacus (Kirk Douglas), Spartacus.
23. Terry Malloy (Marlon Brando), On the Waterfront.
24. Thelma Dickinson and Louise Sawyer (Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon), Thelma and Louise.
25. Lou Gehrig (Gary Cooper), The Pride of the Yankees.
26. Superman (Christopher Reeve), Superman.
27. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein (Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman), All the President's Men.
28. Juror No. 8 (Henry Fonda), 12 Angry Men.
29. Gen. George Patton (George C. Scott), Patton.
30. Luke Jackson (Paul Newman), Cool Hand Luke.
31. Erin Brockovich (Julia Roberts), Erin Brockovich.
32. Philip Marlowe (Humphrey Bogart), The Big Sleep.
33. Marge Gunderson (Frances McDormand), Fargo.
34. Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller), Tarzan the Ape Man.
35. Alvin York (Gary Cooper), Sergeant York.
36. Rooster Cogburn (John Wayne), True Grit.
37. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness), Star Wars.
38. The Tramp (Charles Chaplin), City Lights.
39. Lassie (Pal the dog), Lassie Come Home.
40. Frank Serpico (Al Pacino), Serpico.
41. Arthur Chipping (Robert Donat), Goodbye, Mr. Chips.
42. Father Edward Flanagan (Spencer Tracy), Boys Town.
43. Moses (Charlton Heston), The Ten Commandments.
44. Jimmy Popeye Doyle (Gene Hackman), The French Connection.
45. Zorro (Tyrone Power), The Mark of Zorro.
46. Batman (Michael Keaton), Batman.
47. Karen Silkwood (Meryl Streep), Silkwood.
48. The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
49. Andrew Beckett (Tom Hanks), Philadelphia.
50. Maximus (Russell Crowe), Gladiator.
1. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins), The Silence of the Lambs.
2. Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins), Psycho.
3. Darth Vader (David Prowse, voiced by James Earl Jones), The Empire Strikes Back.
4. The Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton), The Wizard of Oz.
5. Nurse Ratched (Louise Fletcher), One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
6. Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore), It's a Wonderful Life.
7. Alex Forrest (Glenn Close), Fatal Attraction.
8. Phyllis Dietrichson (Barbara Stanwyck), Double Indemnity.
9. Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair), The Exorcist.
10. The Queen (voiced by Lucille LaVerne), Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
11. Michael Corleone (Al Pacino), The Godfather Part II.
12. Alex DeLarge (Malcolm McDowell), A Clockwork Orange.
13. HAL 9000 (voiced by Douglas Rain), 2001: A Space Odyssey.
14. The Alien (Bolaji Badejo), Alien. 15. Amon Goeth (Ralph Fiennes), Schindler's List.
16. Noah Cross (John Huston), Chinatown.
17. Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates), Misery.
18. The Shark, Jaws.
19. Captain Bligh (Charles Laughton), Mutiny on the Bounty.
20. Man, Bambi.
21. Mrs. John Iselin (Angela Lansbury), The Manchurian Candidate.
22. The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), The Terminator.
23. Eve Harrington (Anne Baxter), All About Eve.
24. Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas), Wall Street.
25. Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson), The Shining.
26. Cody Jarrett (James Cagney), White Heat.
27. The Martians, War of the Worlds.
28. Max Cady (Robert Mitchum), Cape Fear.
29. Rev. Harry Powell (Robert Mitchum), The Night of the Hunter.
30. Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro), Taxi Driver.
31. Mrs. Danvers (Judith Anderson), Rebecca.
32. Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker (Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway), Bonnie and Clyde.
33. Count Dracula (Bela Lugosi), Dracula.
34. Dr. Szell (Laurence Olivier), Marathon Man.
35. J.J. Hunsecker (Burt Lancaster), Sweet Smell of Success.
36. Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper), Blue Velvet.
37. Harry Lime (Orson Welles), The Third Man.
38. Rico Bandello (Edward G. Robinson), Little Caesar.
39. Cruella De Vil (voiced by Betty Lou Gerson), One Hundred and One Dalmatians.
40. Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), A Nightmare on Elm Street.
41. Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway), Mommie Dearest.
42. Tom Powers (James Cagney), The Public Enemy.
43. Regina Giddens (Bette Davis), The Little Foxes.
44. Baby Jane Hudson (Bette Davis), What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?
45. The Joker (Jack Nicholson), Batman.
46. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), Die Hard.
47. Tony Camonte (Paul Muni), Scarface.
48. Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey), The Usual Suspects.
49. Auric Goldfinger (Gert Frobe), Goldfinger.
50. Alonzo Harris (Denzel Washington), Training Day.
Comedy's Top 100 Films
The top 100 "funniest films ever made" - according to a survey of more than 1,500 film experts by the American Film Institute.
| 1. Some
Like It Hot, 1959
2. Tootsie, 1982
3. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To
Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb, 1964
4. Annie Hall, 1977
5. Duck Soup, 1933
6. Blazing Saddles, 1974
7. M*A*S*H, 1970
8. It Happened One Night, 1934
9. The Graduate, 1967
10. Airplane!, 1980
11. The Producers, 1968
12. A Night At The Opera, 1935
13. Young Frankenstein, 1974
14. Bringing Up Baby, 1938
15. The Philadelphia Story, 1940
16. Singin' In The Rain, 1952
17. The Odd Couple, 1968
18. The General, 1927
19. His Girl Friday, 1940
20. The Apartment, 1960
21. A Fish Called Wanda, 1988
22. Adam's Rib, 1949
23. When Harry Met Sally , 1989
24. Born Yesterday, 1950
25. The Gold Rush, 1925
26. Being There, 1979
27. There's Something About Mary, 1998
28. Ghostbusters, 1984
29. This Is Spinal Tap, 1984
30. Arsenic And Old Lace, 1944
31. Raising Arizona, 1987
32. The Thin Man, 1934
33. Modern Times, 1936
34. Groundhog Day, 1993
35. Harvey, 1950
36. National Lampoon's Animal House, 1978
37. The Great Dictator, 1940
38. City Lights, 1931
39. Sullivan's Travels, 1941
40. It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World, 1963
41. Moonstruck, 1987
42. Big, 1988
43. American Graffiti, 1973
44. My Man Godfrey, 1936
45. Harold And Maude, 1972
46. Manhattan, 1979
47. Shampoo, 1975
48. A Shot In The Dark, 1964
49. To Be Or Not To Be, 1942
50. Cat Ballou, 1965
| 51. The
Seven Year Itch, 1955
52. Ninotchka, 1939
53. Arthur, 1981
54. The Miracle Of Morgan's Creek, 1944
55. The Lady Eve, 1941
56. Abbott And Costello Meet Frankenstein, 1948
57. Diner, 1982
58. It's A Gift, 1934
59. A Day At The Races, 1937
60. Topper, 1937
61. What's Up, Doc?, 1972
62. Sherlock Jr, 1924
63. Beverly Hills Cop, 1984
64. Broadcast News, 1987
65. Horse Feathers, 1932
66. Take The Money And Run, 1969
67. Mrs Doubtfire, 1993
68. The Awful Truth, 1937
69. Bananas, 1971
70. Mr. Deeds Goes To Town, 1936
71. Caddyshack, 1980
72. Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House, 1948
73. Monkey Business, 1931
74. 9 To 5, 1980
75. She Done Him Wrong, 1933
76. Victor/Victoria, 1982
77. The Palm Beach Story, 1942
78. Road To Morocco, 1942
79. The Freshman, 1925
80. Sleeper, 1973
81. The Navigator, 1924
82. Private Benjamin, 1980
83. Father Of The Bride, 1950
84. Lost In America, 1985
85. Dinner At Eight, 1933
86. City Slickers, 1991
87. Fast Times At Ridgemont High, 1982
88. Beetlejuice, 1988
89. The Jerk, 1979
90. Woman Of The Year, 1942
91. The Heartbreak Kid, 1972
92. Ball Of Fire, 1941
93. Fargo, 1996
94. Auntie Mame, 1958
95. Silver Streak, 1976
96. Sons Of The Desert, 1933
97. Bull Durham, 1988
98. The Court Jester, 1956
99. The Nutty Professor, 1963
100. Good Morning, Vietnam, 1987
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