The pin that holds a hinge together is called a pintle.
The working section of a piano is called the action.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
One that speaks two languages - is bilingual - can be said to be diglot.
Ducks are never male. The males of the species are called drakes.
The practice of eating insects is called entomophagy.
The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula.
The back of the human hand is the opisthenar.
The central shaft of a bird's feather is called a rachis.
The ear-splitting sound produced by the high notes of a bagpipe is called
Shoemakers are not cobblers. A cobbler is a shoe repairman. A shoemaker
is a cordwainer.
1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy's underwear when he's on
2. I will remember the garbage collector is NOT stealing our
3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
6. I will not eat the cat's food, before, or after, he eats it.
7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet when I am about
to throw up.
8. I will not throw up in the car.
9. I will not roll on dead things.
10. I will stop considering the cat's litter box as a cookie jar.
11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose up her bottom
12 . I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or
my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled
down when it's raining outside.
15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of anyone who
is sitting on the can.
16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark each time
I hear one on the television.
17. I will not steal my Mommy's underwear out of the laundry basket
and then dance all over the back yard with them.
18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and neither are Mommy's
& Daddy's laps.
19. I will remember my head does not belong in the refrigerator.
20. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mommy's
driver's license and car registration.
inventor gets a knighthood
The inventor of the world wide web, Tim Berners-Lee, has been awarded
a knighthood for his pioneering work. Dubbed the "Father of the Web", he
came up with a system over 10 years ago to organise, link and browse net
pages. The famously modest man said he was "quite an ordinary person",
and although it felt strange, he was "honoured". Sir Tim was recently reunited
with the machine he used to invent the web when he e-mailed 80 schools
from the UN's summit on the information society. The British scientist,
who lives in the US, was told he was getting the unexpected Knight Commander
of the Order of the British Empire in the New Year honours list a few days
ago - by telephone, not by e-mail.
SIR TIM BERNERS-LEE
Born in London in 1955
Studied at Wandsworth's Emanuel School
Read physics at Queen's College, Oxford
Banned from using the university's computer when he and a friend were caught
Built own computer with old TV, a Motorola microprocessor and soldering
Created web in late 1980s and early 1990s at Cern
Offered it free on the net
Previously awarded an OBE
In 1994 he founded World Wide Web Consortium at MIT
In 1999 he became first holder of the 3Com Founders chair
Time magazine named him one of the top 20 thinkers of the 20th Century
He said he never expected his invention would lead to such an accolade.
The physicist created his hypertext program, which was to revolutionise
the net, while he was at the particle physics institute, Cern, in Geneva.
The computer code he came up with let scientists easily share research
findings across a computer network. In the early 1990s, it was dubbed the
"world wide web", and is still the basis of the net as we know it. He recently
told the BBC World Service's Go Digital programme his invention was "just
another program", and that he originally wanted it to help achieve understanding.
"The original idea of the web was that it should be a collaborative space
where you can communicate through sharing information. "The idea was that
by writing something together, and as people worked on it, they could iron
out misunderstanding." Sir Tim said the honour was an acknowledgement
that the net was becoming globally powerful, and not just a "passing trend".
"There was a time when people felt the internet was another world, but
now people realise it's a tool that we use in this world." He added that
his knighthood proves what can happen to "ordinary people" who work on
things that "happen to work out", like the web. Sir Tim currently heads
up the World Wide Web Consortium (W3C) at the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology in Boston, where he is now based as an academic.
from BBC NEWS
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) God must love stupid people for he made so many.
14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
19) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
20) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
21) Procrastinate Now
22) Rehab Is for Quitters
23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
24) Finally 21 and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since
25) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names
26) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
27 MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
29) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
30) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
32) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on.
33) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
34) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.
35) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the
36) The Meek shall inherit the earth -- after we're through with it.
37) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
38) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
39) WELCOME TO TENNESSEE - Set your watch back 20 years.
40) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART
70 above (23 C)
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
Canadians go swimming in the Lakes.
60 above (16 C)
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
Canadians plant gardens.
50 above (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
40 above (5 C)
Italian & English cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.
Distilled water freezes. (0 C)
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
20 above (-5)
Florida puts on coats, thermal under wear, gloves, and woolly hats.
Canadians throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above (-10 C)
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadians have the last?? Cook out before it gets cold.
0 degrees (-18 C)
People in Miami all die...
Canadians lick the flagpole.
20 below (-30 C)
Californians fly away to Mexico.
Canadians get out their winter coats.
40 below (-36 C)
The Girl Scouts in Canada are selling cookies...door to door.
And Winnipeggers are still barbecuing
60 below (-51 C)
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
80 below (-63 C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadians rent some videos.
100 below (-74 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians get frustrated because they can't thaw the beer keg.
297 below (-184 C)
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Canada complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below (-275 C)
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Winnipeg start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below(-297 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Leafs win the Stanley Cup
study shatters Internet 'geek' image
LONDON, England (Reuters) --The typical Internet user -- far from being
a geek -- shuns television and actively socializes with friends, a study
on surfing habits said on Wednesday. The findings of the first World Internet
Project report present an image of the average Netizen that contrasts with
the stereotype of the loner "geek" who spends hours of his free time on
the Internet and rarely engages with the real world.
Instead, the typical Internet user is an avid reader of books and spends
more time engaged in social activities than the non-user, it says. And,
television viewing is down among some Internet users by as much as five
hours per week compared with Net abstainers, the study added."Use of the
Internet is reducing television viewing around the world while having little
impact on positive aspects of social life," said Jeffrey Cole, director
of the UCLA Center for Communication Policy, the California university
that organized the project. "Most Internet users generally trust the information
they find online," he wrote via e-mail.
The findings are derived from surveys of Internet and non-Internet users
in 14 countries: the United States, Britain, Germany, Hungary, Italy, Spain,
Sweden, Japan, Macao, South Korea, Singapore, Taiwan, China and Chile.The
study does however support some long-established Internet usage trends
including the fact that the wealthiest segments of the population are the
most avid users and that more men than women surf the Web. But figures
vary widely by country. For example, the gender gap is most pronounced
in Italy and smallest in Taiwan. According to the study, 41.7 percent of
Italian men are online compared to 21.5 percent of Italian women. In Taiwan,
the difference is 25.1 percent for men and 23.5 percent for women. The
digital divide, a phrase used to describe how poverty impacts Web usage,
appears to be tightening around the world, Cole said. In seven of the 12
countries for which the information was available, more than 20 percent
of the poorest segment of the population uses the Internet. Sweden, Korea
and the U.S. have the highest usage of Internet users among the poor.
The credibility of information published on the Internet also received
a surprising boost. Despite the existence of countless spoof Web sites
message boards that carry oddball political rants, more than half of Internet
users surveyed said "most or all" of the information they find online is
reliable and credible. The most trusting users are in South Korea while
Swedes are the biggest skeptics about the veracity of Web news. The Chinese,
meanwhile, are among the most active Net socializers. According to the
study, Chinese Internet users say they rely on the medium to interact with
others who share their political interests, hobbies and faith. "It's more
than in any other country and a significant figure for citizens of a nation
in which religion is officially banned," the study said of Chinese users'
willingness to discuss religion online with others.
Al Yankovic's song "BOB"
from his Poodle album is an entire song composed
I, man, am regal -- a German am I
Never odd or even
If I had a hi-fi
Madam, I'm Adam
Too hot to hoot
No lemons, no melon
Too bad I hid a boot
Lisa Bonet ate no basil
Warsaw was raw
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Rise to vote, sir
Do geese see God?
Do nine men interpret? Nine men, I nod
Rats live on no evil star
Won't lovers revolt now?
Race fast, safe car
Pa's a sap
Ma is as selfless as I am
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Ah Satan sees Natasha
No devil lived on
Not a banana baton
No x in Nixon
O, stone, be not so
O Geronimo, no minor ego
Naomi, I moan
A Toyota's a Toyota
A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Oh, no! Don Ho!
Nurse, I spy gypsies -- run!
Now I see bees I won
We panic in a pew
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo
God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure... I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
! to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean,
what in the world is this?
(you're gonna love this).........
(its a real treat)........
(wait for it).......
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's
a Rolling Stone."
AND WISDOM OF LIFE
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave
me thehell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have theirshoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then
things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his ass
Tax the roads he must pass.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance tax!
Exempt ~ Author Unknown
The assessor approached with weary tread
And knocked at a farmhouse door,
"Not much value here," he said,
The surroundings looked very poor,
The room he entered was cozy and warm,
The couple were aged and gray,
From his portfolio he selected a form
And said in a business way,
"I'm here to appraise your property, sir,
To determine your wealth, you see.
I'm the assessor, I might infer,
Will you answer some questions for me?''
"Oh, we have great riches," they quickly replied,
Their faces aglow with bliss,
The assessor awaited with pencil poised
Waiting the items to list.
"Our mutual love we value quite high,
It began such a long time ago;
Each passing year has strengthened the tie,
That increases the value, you know.
Our health is more precious than silver and gold,
The Master has been very kind;
We enjoy each day as it comes and goes,
While so many in illness repine.
"We've quite a fortune in relics, too,
Any price you would name would be small:
A soft golden curl, a little worn shoe,
And the fingerprints there on the wall.
We've a special interest in heaven, too,
She departed this life at three,
A jewel in heaven with value true,
That's quite an asset, you see.''
The astonished assessor squirmed in his shoes
(He was finding it hard to relax),
"They truly have great riches,'' he mused,
"But not one thing I can tax.''
"We have no possessions," they calmly explained,
"To lock in a vault of steel,
Possessions and riches are different, you see,
Our riches, the things that we feel.
There's one more that is quite vital,
You may be a little surprised,
We hold a blood bought title,
To a mansion in the skies.''
The puzzled assessor bowed himself out
In utter exasperation,
The richest couple he had ever known
Were entirely exempt from taxation.
it's that time once again. The Oscars, Emmys, Grammys and even the
Razzies have all been handed out. There is only one set of awards left
to confer for this year: The Darwin Awards. For those not familiar with
the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor bestowed upon those unfortunate
souls who did their part to purify the world-wide human gene pool in the
most extraordinarily stupid
ways. As always, competition this year has been keen.
Let's meet the candidates:
Windsor, ONT - Police say Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died
in a head-on collision in February, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken
they were playing with their snowmobiles.
Detroit, MI - In September, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned
in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
San Francisco, CA - In October, a 49-year-old stockbroker who "totally
zoned when he ran" according to friends, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high
cliff on his daily run.
Buxton, NC - A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting
in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying
him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used
their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident
of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using
heavy equipment almost an hour to free h im while about 200 people looked
on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Lompoc, CA - In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep
his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Dahlonega, GA - According to police, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena
Selbyville, DE - Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February
when he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Despite their best efforts to the contrary, sometimes those who swim
in the shallow end of the gene pool manage to escape the grim reaper. To
those who cheated death we grant the DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Guthrie, OK - In October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with
a shot from his .22 caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock
near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his
Elyria, OH - Also in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane
torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his
Andover Township, NJ - Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
failed to notice the window was closed.
This year's RUNNER UP:
Tacoma, WA - Kerry B ingham had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said he knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one
had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say "said Bingham, "is that
God was watching out for me on that night." "There's just no other explanation
for it. " Bingham's foot was never located.
And the WINNER OF THE DARWIN AWARD:
Paderborn, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally
let fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop.
Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give
the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded
on him. "The sheer force of Stefan's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious
as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he
lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along,
and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak
accidents." Shit happens.
Top Rock Riff poll
Top of the poll: Guns N' Roses frontman Axl Rose
Guns N' Roses' anthem Sweet Child O' Mine has the greatest guitar riff
ever, according to a poll in a music monthly.
Total Guitar magazine's readers put it in top place, ahead of Nirvana's
grunge anthem Smells Like Teen Spirit.
Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love came third, followed by Deep Purple's
Smoke On The Water.
Total Guitar editor Scott Rowley said: "To a new generation of guitarists,
Guns N' Roses are more thrilling than the Sex Pistols."
He added: "This poll shows the so-called canon of classic rock - the
Led Zeppelins, Eric Claptons, Jimi Hendrix - is as popular as ever, but
being added to all the time.
"Riffs are an interesting measure of people's tastes because they're
usually easy to play and very catchy - they're the hook of the song."
The magazine's last poll, conducted five years ago, saw Led Zeppelin's
Whole Lotta Love top the list, followed by Smoke On The Water and Layla,
recorded by Eric Clapton as Derek and the Dominoes.
More than 2,000 readers took part in the poll.
The top 20 riffs:
1. Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N' Roses
2. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
3. Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin
4. Smoke On The Water - Deep Purple
5. Enter Sandman - Metallica
6. Layla - Derek & The Dominoes/Eric Clapton
7. Master Of Puppets - Metallica
8. Back In Black - AC/DC
9. Voodoo Chile (Slight Return) - Jimi Hendrix
10. Paranoid - Black Sabbath
11. Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne
12. All Right Now - Free
13. Plug In Baby - Muse
14. Black Dog - Led Zeppelin
15. Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love - Van Halen
16. Walk This Way - Aerosmith w Run DMC
17. Sunshine Of Your Love - Cream
18. No-One Knows - Queens Of The Stone Age
19. Paradise City - Guns N' Roses
20. Killing In The Name - Rage Against The Machine