FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
And might I add...It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof - hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed - hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway - hence, a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while - hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night the "graveyard shift" to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth ... Who said that History was boring? . . .
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal collander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students!
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O & U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
THE GOOD OLE DAYS - How Did They Survive?
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring) The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system. We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym. Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot. He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm. Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too . and then we got butt spanked again when we got home. Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (remember why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas. Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent. Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive?
She had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image ofinnocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.
"What?" Mom asked.
"Let's run through the rain!" She repeated.
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain."
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.
"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.
"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet? "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life.
A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. "Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.
Maya Angelou (+ 70 years old) said this during her recent Opra appearance:
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Take the time to live!!! Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other!
THE FOLKSY WISDOM OF MAYA ANGELOU
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"You can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as 'making a life.'"
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's Mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them
Celebrities Sans Makeup
Top Ten Signs Your Kid's School Is Too Crowded
10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride inside the bus today!"
9. Principal sends warning -- he's not skipping class enough
8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports
7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered "successful"
6. School play is "The Ten Commandments"--there are enough kids to play all 100,000 Hebrews
5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite
4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids say, "Here"
3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million
2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school bully
1. The kids actually outnumber the rats
Top Ten Favorite Elementary School Excuse Notes
10. "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."
9. "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling."
8. "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."
7. "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time."
6. "Henry stayed home because he had a stomachache from eating too much frosting."
5. "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home."
4. "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet."
3. "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard."
2. "Cody was absent yesterday because we were at disco bowling until 2am."
1. "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday."
Top Ten Signs Your Elementary School Principal is Nuts10. Constantly going on P.A. system yelling, "Metallica rules"
9. Whenever you walk by his office, he's in a shouting match with his pet monkey Earl
8. Often stops by your classroom to eat a handful of chalk dust
7. During the fire drills, huddles in corner under a soaking-wet blanket
6. He bets the school's entire yearly budget on the Jets
5. He cried when he didn't get to be the carrot in the school play
4. On Saturday afternoon, you find him naked in his office licking textbooks
3. No matter why he asks to see you, somehow the conversation always turns to `Nam
2. There's footage of him on the local news giving out detentions on the freeway
1. His vice-principal is Pat Choate (US Politician: Reform Party)
Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear on Your First Day of School10. I'm guessing you didn't spend the summer at fat camp
9. The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than the last guy
8. Hi. I'm the most beautiful girl in the school and I won't be going out with you again this year
7. Let's begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab ass"
6. Tell us what it's like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class
5. The creepy janitor's got a cardboard cutout of you in the boiler room
4. Did you see the principal on '60 Minutes' last week?
3. Let's pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow
2. My name is Mrs. Rosenblum -- you may remember me from last year as Mr. Rosenblum
1. I'm your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler
Top Ten Ways To Make Going Back To School More Fun
10. Goodbye three-ring binders, hello four-ring binders
9. Learn to throw your voice and make the quiet kid talk dirty
8. Shower after every class, not just gym
7. Remind yourself your yearly allowance is only a few hundred bucks less than your teacher's salary
6. Dissect a frog... in history class
5. The ride seems faster on top of the bus
4. With luck, phys. ed. teacher could be a striking Major League Baseball player
3. Unionize your shop class
2. For show and tell, how about a rabid raccoon?
1. Be like Dave. Join the glee club!
Top Ten Signs Something Is Wrong With Your School Lunch10. The "surprise" in the "vegetable surprise" is a nasty case of botulism
9. The chowder's served in same bucket the janitor soaks his mop in
8. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they're serving albino pot pies
7. When you say the name "Steve," your pudding shudders as if to say, "Yes -- that's me. My name is Steve"
6. Robert Shapiro shows up to order DNA testing on it
5. That Rice Krispies sound is coming from the pats of butter
4. You eat something that doesn't taste too bad, then realize it's the styrofoam tray
3. Hours after eating, your hair mysteriously falls out of your head
2. You see a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet
1. Chicken a la Don King
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to
Graduate From High School This Year
10. Instead of a cap and gown, they give you a McDonald's hairnet.
9. Your final paper in English was titled "TV Guide: Gateway to Viewing Pleasure."
8. Grandma starts affectionately calling you "Lil' Flunkie."
7. Nobody believes pot in your locker was planted by those Whitewater dudes."
6. Your computer teacher discovers your gettin' it on with a laptop.
5. At oral exam, you respond to every question with, "Hey -- I ain't in Mensa, you know!"
4. Your guidance counselor gives you Dr. Kevorkian's number.
3. You constantly neglect your studies to date Woody Allen.
2. Your name: Kenny. This year's prom theme: "Sorry you won't be graduating, Kenny."
1. Your combined score on the SAT: 12
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is Going To A New York City School10. Entire student body ties for last place in spelling bee.
9. Math homework always seems to be about prisoners trading cigarettes.
8. Every driver's ed class ends with lesson on dumping bodies in New Jersey.
7. The three "R's" stand for reading, writing and reloading.
6. Cafeteria suddenly has plenty of beef the day after that runaway bull was shot.
5. If you don't bribe teachers, your kid gets obstructed view seating.
4. That cultural field trip to see the new Adam Sandler movie.
3. Art class was canceled when the theater ate all the paint.
2. Map of the world on classroom wall shows two regions: "America" and "Where Cabbies Come From."
1. Thinks E=MC2 is Hammer's old name.
Top Ten Things Every Principal Knows
10. Half the stuff teachers say is completely made up
(From Morristown High School, Richard Garibell)
9. Buy Tums in bulk
(From Dickinson High School, Robert Donato)
8. After a long day, a principal's best friend is Professor Jim Beam
(From B.C.I.T. Westhampton Technical High School, Daniel Money)
7. Tell them it's for extra credit and students will wash your car
(From Toms River High School East, Maureen Madden)
6. Don't waste your time on that female gym teacher
(From Liberty High School, Doug Berman)
5. If the shirtless father was a problem student, chances are his shirtless son will be, too
(From Summit High School, Paula Schwartz)
4. Kids spend too much time on homework and not nearly enough on video games
(From Dr. Ronald E. McNair Academic High School, Robert J. Roggenstein)
3. Whenever I need some time alone, I pull the fire alarm
(From Howell High School, Barbara McMorrow)
2. I should have become an astronaut
(From Montclair High School, Elaine Peeler Davis)
1. Nobody knows the difference if you make P.A. announcements nude
(From Toms River High School North, John Coleman)
Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Getting Into College
10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot
9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald's uniform
8. After four years of Spanish, you still can't place an order at Taco Bell
7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers
6. Your list of school activities includes words "Comet Hale-Bopp" and "castration"
5. You tell admissions officer you're looking forward to "some good, honest book-larnin'"
4. Instead of application, you send in a Where's Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled
3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: "Glue-Sniffin' Eddie"
2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black
1. Your classmates voted you "Least Likely to Get into College"
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