Humourists
~ Pop Media
A
Scott Adams ~ (The Dilbert Principle)
Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals.
Simple cells combine to make powerful life-forms. Simple electronics combine
to make powerful computers. Logically, all things are created by a combination
of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be
our future, not our origin!~ from his Dilbert comic strip
Nothing defines humans better than their willingness
to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlucky payoffs.
This is the principle of lotteries, dating and religion.
Dave Allen ~ Irish Comedian, at the end
of all of his shows
Goodnight, thank you, and may your god go with
you
Steve Allen
If you pray for rain long enough, it eventually
does fall. If you pray for floodwaters to abate, they eventually
do. The same happens in the absence of prayers.
No actual tyrant known to history has ever been
guilty of one-hundredth of the crimes, massacres, and other atrocities
attributed to the Deity in the Bible.
One social evil for which the New Testament is clearly in part
responsible is anti-Semitism.
There is not the slightest question but that the God of the Old
Testament is a jealous, vengeful God, inflicting not only on the sinful
pagans but even on his Chosen People fire, lighting, hideous plagues
and diseases, brimstone, and other curses.
The Bible has been interpreted to justify such evil practices as, for
example, slavery, the slaughter of prisoners of war, the sadistic murders
of women believed to be witches, capital punishment for hundreds of offenses,
polygamy, and cruelty to animals. It has been used to encourage belief
in the grossest superstition and to discourage the free teaching of scientific
truths. We must never forget that both good and evil flow from the
Bible. It is therefore not above criticism.
Religious believers of the world, you are free to continue to debate
the simple, narrow question that divides you from atheists, but you have
no right, in so doing, to treat the Humanists of the world with contempt.
You owe them a deep debt of gratitude, for not only have they shed much
light on a naturally dark world but they have very probably helped civilize
your own specific religion.
It is not hardness of heart or evil passions that drive certain
individuals to atheism, but rather a scrupulous intellectual honesty.
Believing that the Bible is the divinely inspired word of God, certain
human beings are prepared to suspend not only reason but even common sense
about any and all passages found within, no matter how vile or bloodthirsty.
The fundamentalist believer is mostly a weird intellectual who often
lacks real faith altogether. As a self-appointed attorney for God, who
is in no need of attorneys, he very easily turns out to be more godless
than the agnostic and the unbeliever. At all events, he seems deaf to poetry.
Woody Allen
If only God would give me a clear sign ! Like
making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there
is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning
entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. - unknown
(Woody Allen?)
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But
the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
There's no way to prove that there is no God. You just have to take
it on faith.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. . . I want to achieve
immortality by not dying.
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without
being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.
Maxwell Anderson (1888-1959) ~ American
playwright
The gods of men are sillier than their kings and queens, and emptier
and more powerless.
Natalie Angier (b. 1958) ~ American
journalist
Among the more irritating consequences of our flagrantly religious
society is the special dispensation that mainstream religions receive.
We all may talk about religion as a powerful social force, but unlike other
similarly powerful institutions, religion is not to be questioned, criticized
or mocked.
Jean Anouilh (1910-1987) ~ French
playwright
Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he
is.
Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is.
Lance Armstrong ~ Seven-time Tour
de France winner
I don't have anything against organized religion per se. We all need
something in our lives. I personally just have not accepted that belief.
But I'm one of the few.
Justin Brooks Atkinson (1894-1984)
~ American journalist, drama critic
People everywhere enjoy believing things that they know are not true.
It spares them the ordeal of thinking for themselves and taking responsibility
for what they know.
Rowan Atkinson ~ Actor / Comic
I have always believed that there should be no subject about which
one cannot make jokes, religion included. Clearly, one is always constricted
by contemporary mores and trends because, after all, what one seeks above
all is an appreciative audience.
Margaret Atwood
(b. 1939) Canadian poet and author
You say, The sensed absence of God and the sensed
presence amount to much the same thing, only in reverse.
B
Joan Baez
You don't get to choose how you're going to die.
Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.
Phineas Taylor
Barnum (1810-1891) ~ American showman
The orthodox faith painted God as a revengeful
being, and yet people talk about loving such a being.
Dave Barry
If there really is a God who created the entire
universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to
humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with
a bad hairstyle.
People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of
offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with
machetes.
Ingmar Bergman
I hope I never get so old I get religious.
Sarah Bernhardt [Henrietta Rosine
Bernard] (1844-1923) French romantic and actress
Me pray? Never! I'm an atheist.
Black Adder II
Never before have I encountered such corrupt
and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?
Ellen Blackstone
The Bible doesn't forbid suicide. It's
Catholic directive, intended to slow down their loss of martyrs.
Elayne Boosler
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good
thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
Marlon Brando
~ refusing to recite a religious
oath while testifying at his son Christian's trial, 1990:
I will not swear on God. I will not swear on
God, because I don't believe in the conceptual sense and in this nonsense.
What I will swear on is my children and my grandchildren.
A. Whitney Brown
Once again decent citizens will be able to enter
this house of worship, kneel down in front of a nearly-naked man hanging
from a wooden apparatus by a series of gruesome body piercings, and engage
in their bizarre practices of ritualized blood-drinking and cannibalism
without being assaulted by graphic images of attractive young women with
bare breasts. - A. Whitney Brown, "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central
Lenny Bruce (1925-1966) ~ US
satirical comic
Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ -- but it was only for
three days.
Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all
in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct
intellectually.
Richard Burton
~ Welsh actor (1925-1984)
The more I read about man and his maniacal ruthlessness
and his murderous envious scatological soul, the more I realize that he
will never change. Our stupidity is immortal, nothing will change it. The
same mistakes, the same prejudices, the same injustice, the same lusts
wheel endlessly around the parade ground of the centuries. Immutable and
ineluctable. I wish I could believe in a god of some kind but I simply
cannot.
C
L. Sprague de Camp
It does not pay a prophet to be too specific.
George Carlin (1937–2008) ~ Satirical
comic; free-speech activist
When it comes to believing in God, I really, really tried . . . but
. . . the more you look around, the more you realize . . . something is
wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture,
crime, corruption, the Ice Capades. . . . This is not good work. If this
is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong
on the resume of a Supreme Being.
Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think
about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible
man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every
day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not
want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special
place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where
he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry
forever and ever 'til the end of time! . . . but he loves you.
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs
money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow
just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay
no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good
bullshit story. Holy Shit!
I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all,
unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the Sun. It's there for
me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time:
heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money,
I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly
enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers
I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent
rate.
The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred.
Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and
kill each other I'm a happy guy!
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial,
why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these
kids around all day and let them pray their fuckn' empty little heads
off.
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission
like everyone else.
I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well
go for the Zombie package as well.
I used to believe in God, until I reached the age of reason.
Charlie Chaplin
By simple common sense I don't believe in God,
in none.
Religion. It`s given people hope in a world torn
apart by religion.
In Philadelphia, I inadvertently came upon an edition of Robert Ingersoll's
Essays and Lectures. This was an exciting discovery; his atheism confirmed
my own belief that the horrific cruelty of the Old Testament was degrading
to the human spirit.? My Autobiography (1964)
Bruce Cockburn ~ "Gospel of
Bondage"
You read the Bible in your own special ways | you're fond of
quoting certain things it says | Mouth full of righteousness and
wrath from above | When do we hear about forgiveness and love?
Steven Colbert
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans
have a family.
Gregory Clark
Well, I'm all packed and ready to go. I'm an aged agnostic, unafraid
of death and undeluded with thoughts of life hereafter.
George Clooney
I don't believe in Heaven and Hell. I don't know if I believe
in God.
Michael Crichton
Organized religion is a business and nothing
else, unless you want to think of it as a way to organize wars efficiently.
Also organized religion tells you what ot think, and I believe the only
way to know about God is to find out on your own. What somebody else tells
you is of very little use. I believe that we are all God, and God is all
of us. But this means you can find out everything you need to know by yourself,
by what you see and what you feel. Nobody knows any more than you do --
even though you're just in the fifth grade.
D
Marlene Dietrich
If there is a supreme being, he's crazy.
Philip K Dick (1928-1982)
~ Science-fiction writer
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Amanda Donohoe
~ actress, feminist and socialist.
I can't embrace a male god who has persecuted female sexuality throughout
the ages.
Tom Dunker
Have you noticed that no matter how sick the Pope gets, they never
even consider taking him to Lourdes?
Bob Dylan
Got no religion. Tried a bunch of different religions. The churches
are divided. Can't make up their minds and neither can I.
F
Jules Feiffer
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom
meaningless by not committing them.
W.C. Fields
Everyone should believe in something. I believe
I'll have another beer.
Prayers may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal,
and the lazy - but it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring
you something for Christmas.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
Larry Flynt
I have left my religious conversion behind and settled into a comfortable
state of atheism. I have come to think that religion has caused more harm
than any other idea since the beginning of time. The Jerry Falwells of
this world are living proof of the hypocrisy.
Wil Forbis
I've yet to find anything convincing about the
arguments Christians make for the existence of this God chap, and feel
that if he does exist, events such as the Holocaust, Cambodian massacres
and Limp Bizkit illuminate the fact that he's been asleep at the wheel
for quite some time.
Jodie Foster
I believe that there is no direct evidence,
so how could you ask me to believe in God when there's absolutely no evidence
that I can see? I do believe in the beauty and the awe-inspiring mystery
of the science that's out there that we haven't discovered yet, that there
are scientific explanations for phenomena that we call mystical because
we just don't know any better.
Whatever sympathy I feel towards religions, whatever admiration for
some of their adherents, whatever historical or biological necessity I
see in them, whatever metaphorical truth, I cannot accept them as credible
explanations of reality; and they are incredible to me in proportion to
the degree that they require my belief in positive human attributes and
intervenient powers in their divinities.
Robert Frost
I turned to speak to God | About the world's despair; | But to
make bad matters worse | I found God wasn't there.
G
Bob Geldof
Being an atheist I can't be either [a saint or a sinner]
Ricky Gervais
It annoys me that the burden of proof is on us. It should be: "You
came up with the idea. Why do you believe it?" I could tell you I've got
superpowers, but you can't go up to people saying "Prove I can't fly."
They'd go: "What do you mean 'Prove you can't fly'? Prove you can!"
Terry Gilliam
With Life of Brian, we were vilified by Christians. Come on,
if your religion is so vulnerable that a little bit of disrespect is going
to bring it down, it's not worth believing in, frankly.
Whoopi Goldberg
Religion has done more to bust-up humanity than anything.
Barry Goldwater
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
Matt Groening ~ Quotes from his
TV series
The Simpsons
A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just
like facts have no place within organized religion.
H
Butch Hancock
~
American singer
Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things.
One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is
that sex is the most awful, dirty thing on the face of the earth and you
should save it for someone you love.
Richard Harris
Jesus is just a word I use to swear with.
Hugh Hefner
Religion is a myth we have invented to explain the inexplicable. The
universe is so beyond comprehension. What does it all mean -- if it has
any meaning at all? . . . I think anyone who suggests that they have the
answers is motivated by the need to invent answers, because we have no
such answers.
Katharine Hepburn
I'm an atheist, and that's it. I believe there's
nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do
what we can for other people.
Frank Herbert ~ (1920–1986) ~ Science-fiction
writer, author of the Dune series
When politics and religion are intermingled,
a people is suffused with a sense of invulnerability, and gathering
speed in their forward charge, they fail to see the cliff ahead of them.
Every judgment teeters on the brink of error. To claim absolute knowledge
is to become monstrous. Knowledge is an unending adventure at the edge
of uncertainty.
Bill Hicks
~ comedian
If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship
the Jews.
Hey, doncha think the REAL reason JC hasn't returned
is those crosses you wear? Think. How would JFK feel if you
wore little rifles on your lapels?
Three guys met me after the show one time. "Hey, buddy, we're Christians,
we don't like what yew said." All right, then. Forgive me.
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd comin out
of your ass.
Christianity has a built-in defense system; anything that questions
a belief, no matter how logical the argument, is the work of Satan by the
very fact that it makes you question a belief. It is a very interesting
defense mechanism and the only way to get by it, and believe me I was raised
Southern Baptist, is to take heroic doses of mushrooms, sit in a field,
and just go, "Show me."
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet
of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's
got God on his side.
Alfred Hitchcock ~ Director of mysteries
and horror films (upon seeing a priest talking to a little boy)
That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen. [Shouts:] Run,
little boy. Run for your life!
Robert E. Howard
For every being there is an appointed time, and even the gods must
die….
L. Ron Hubbard
Writing science fiction for about a penny a word
is no way to make a living, If you really want to make a million, the quickest
way is to start your own religion.
John Hurt
It's so fascinating to have lived in a period when religion has taken
the thrashing it deserves. Not that it has entirely; we still have a few
religions knocking around, doing exactly what they’ve done through the
ages – which is fucking up everything.
I
Italian Bus Ad
The Good News Is There Are Millions of Atheists In Italy; The Excellent
News Is They Believe In Freedom Of Expression.
J
Penn Jillette
Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family,
people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-o, and all the other things I can
prove and that make this life the best life I will ever have.
In his book, "God, No!" atheist magician Penn Jillette tells how he
was challenged by conservative radio host Glenn Beck to come up with an
atheist's version of The Ten Commandments. "I wanted to see how many
of the ideas that many people think are handed down from (G)od really make
sense to someone who says, 'I don't know.'"
1. The highest ideals are human intelligence, creativity and love. Respect
these above all.
2. Do not put things or even ideas above other human beings. (Let's
scream at each other about Kindle versus iPad, solar versus nuclear, Republican
versus Libertarian, Garth Brooks versus Sun Ra— but when your house is
on fire, I'll be there to help.)
3. Say what you mean, even when talking to yourself. (What used to be
an oath to (G)od is now quite simply respecting yourself.)
4. Put aside some time to rest and think. (If you're religious, that
might be the Sabbath; if you're a Vegas magician, that'll be the day with
the lowest grosses.)
5. Be there for your family. Love your parents, your partner, and your
children. (Love is deeper than honor, and parents matter, but so do spouse
and children.)
6. Respect and protect all human life. (Many believe that "Thou shalt
not kill" only refers to people in the same tribe. I say it's all human
life.)
7. Keep your promises. (If you can't be sexually exclusive to your spouse,
don't make that deal.)
8. Don't steal. (This includes magic tricks and jokes — you know who
you are!)
9. Don't lie. (You know, unless you're doing magic tricks and it's part
of your job. Does that make it OK for politicians, too?)
10. Don't waste too much time wishing, hoping, and being envious; it'll
make you bugnutty.
Billy Joel
I wasn't raised Catholic, but I used to go to
Mass with my friends, and I viewed the whole business as a lot of very
enthralling hocus-pocus. There's a guy hanging upon the wall in the church,
nailed to a cross and dripping blood, and everybody's blaming themselves
for that man's torment, but I said to myself, 'Forget it. I had no hand
in that evil. I have no original sin. There’s no blood of any sacred martyr
on my hands. I pass on all of this.
I believe that all important matters have to be
settled here, not in the clouds somewhere after we kick off.
K
Garrison Keillor
My ancestors were Puritans from England. They
arrived here in 1658 in hopes of finding greater restrictions than were
permissible under English law at that time.
Stanley Kubrick (1928-1999) ~ Movie director:
Space Odyssey: 2001
The whole idea of god is absurd. If anything,
2001 shows that what some people call "god" is simply an acceptable term
for their ignorance. This film is a rejection of the notion that there
is a god; isn't that obvious.
I'd be very surprised if the universe wan't full of an intelligence
of an order that to us would seem God-like. . . When you think of the giant
technological strides that man has made in a few millennia -- less than
a microsecond in the chronology of the universe -- can you imagine the
evolutionary development that much older life forms have taken? Their potentialities
would be limitless and their intelligence ungraspable in humans.
L
Timothy Leary (1920-1996) ~
Psychologist
Drugs are the religion of the 21st century.
Pursuing the religious life today without using psychedelics drugs is
like studying astronomy with the naked eye because that's how they did
it in the first century A.D., and besides, telescopes are unnatural.
Gypsy Rose Lee
Praying is like a rocking chair-- it'll give you something to
do, but it won't get you anywhere.
John Lennon
(1940-1980)
From the song "Imagine"
Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try,
No hell below us, Above us only sky, imagine all the people Living for
today. . .
Imagine there's no countries, It isn't hard to
do, Nothing to kill or die for, No religion too .
From the song, "God,"
God is a concept By which we measure Our pain
~ I don't believe in magic ~ I don't believe in I-Ching ~ I don't believe
in Bible ~ I don't believe in Tarot ~ I don't believe in Hitler ~ I don't
believe in Jesus
From the song, "I Found Out"
There ain't no Jesus gonna come from the sky.
Now that I found out I know I can cry, I found out!
Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. We're more popular
than Jesus now. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
Tom Lorenzin
I've perfected: turning wine into warm water.
Witness to a religious miracle: "I wouldn't have seen it
if I hadn't believed it!
Courtney Love
I don't really miss god but I sure miss Santa Claus!
M
Madonna
When I get down on my knees, it is not to pray.
Bill Maher
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based
initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish
name?
Jesus doesn't care who wins the [sports] game. So stop bothering him.
I've never heard a team blame Jesus when they lose.
Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position
Marilyn Manson
If they think that an artist can destroy their
faith, then their faith is rather fragile.
Christianity teaches you to love your enemies. If you love
your enemies, what value does that place on love?
Steve Martin
I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going
to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.
Jackie Mason
If God exists he's an idiot. That's why I don't believe in any God.
Becuase if that's how he behaves, I don't want to know such a person.
Dennis Miller
I have my own God, and I think my God finds
me incredibly fucking funny. That's why I chose him as my God ...
Now 7-11 has bowed to pressure from the Moral
Majority to remove Playboy and Penthouse from their newsstand.
I guess to be fair you have to look at it from the fundamentalist
perspective - what they're saying is that they don't want pornography
out in the open, because what it does is it forces a certain type
of literature on somebody in a public place. It would be like...,
uh..., oh I don't know, say like ...put the Bible in everybody's
hotel room, or something crazy like that.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first
time.
Monty Python
A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter
4, Verses 16 to 20:
Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade
of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine
enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did
feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans
and breakfast cereals... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the
counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou
not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth
to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of
the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the
direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
- Monty Python, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
MONTY PYTHON'S ODE TO CREATION
All things dull and ugly ~ All creatures short and squat ~ All things
rude and nasty ~ The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons ~ Each little wasp that stings ~ He made
their brutish venom ~ He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous ~ All evil great and small ~ All things
foul and dangerous ~ The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet ~ Each beastly little squid ~ Who made the
spikey urchin ~ Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous ~ All pox both great and small ~ Putrid,
foul and gangrenous ~ The Lord God made them all. - Amen
So you're a god, eh? Very nice, very nice. But, you still
don't have a reservation...
Progress and conduct: I'm afraid that I am severly dissapointed in God's
works. All three of him have shown no tendency to improve and He
merely sits at the back of the class talking to himselves. He has
shown no interest in rugger, asked to be excused prayers, and moves in
a mysterious way. - Ferndean School Report on God - The brand
new Monty Python Book.
Michael Moorcock
When gods die, self-respect buds. Gods and their
examples are not needed by those who respect themselves and, consequently,
respect others. Gods are for children; for little, fearful people; for
those who would have no responsibility to themselves or their fellows.
Gods are but metaphors. As metaphors they might
be very acceptable - but they should never be allowed to become beings
in their own right.
Michael Moore ~ Filmmaker
There's a gullible side to the American people.
They can be easily misled. Religion is the best device used to mislead
them.
N
Mike Nichols
I never consider what comes after this life,
I have no interest in heaven, hell, god, etc...
O
P. J. O'Rourke
Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting
dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
Peter O'Toole
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying
and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
P
Penn and Teller's "Bullshit"
on Showtime
Evolution: Observation -> Hypothesis -> Testing
-> Debate
Creationism: Fiction -> Asserting -> Insisting
-> Twisting Facts -> Torturing
Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for
a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord does not work that way so
I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) Artist
God is really only another artist. He invented
the giraffe, the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style. He just keeps
on trying other things.
Terry Pratchett (1948 - ) Author
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will
insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
R
Ron Reagan, Jr.
I'm not really cut out to be a politician. You
know that I sometimes don't know when to shut up. That could be a drawback.
I'm an atheist. So there you go right there. I can't be elected to anything
because polls all say that people won't elect an atheist.
Lou Reed (1942- )
My God is rock 'n' roll.
Christopher Reeve
Even though I don't personally believe in the Lord, I try to behave
as though He was watching.
Carl Reiner
I'm not a believer, I call myself an atheist. It was man who invented
God. There are far too many commandments and you really only need one:
Do not hurt anybody.
Rick Reynolds
As far as I can tell from studying the scriptures,
all you do in heaven is pretty much just sit around all day and praise
the Lord. I don’t know about you, but I think that after the first, oh,
I don’t know, 50,000,000 years of that I’d start to get a little bored.
Mark Richardson
Take a piece of shit - wrap it in gold foil -
call it the most valuble thing in existence - install it in a beautiful
building crafted by the most talented artisans in the world - make it so
beautiful it makes men weep for joy upon seeing it - and these atheists
still say "something smells bad!" - they have no respect for even the most
venerated of turds.
Matt Ridley
The Asian tsunami was not an act of god, but 9/11 was.
Tom Robbins ~ Novelist
Religion is not merely the opium of the masses, it's the cyanide.
Gene Roddenberry (1921-1991)
We must question the story logic of having an
all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames
them for his own mistakes.
Richard Rodgers
If somebody is really sick, I don't pray to God,
I look for the best doctor in town.
Andy Rooney ~ American radio and television
writer and commentator
Why am I an atheist? I ask you: Why is anybody
not an atheist? Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with
belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.
I resent anyone pushing their religion on me. I don't push my atheism on
anybody else. Live and let live. Not many people practice that when it
comes to religion." Marian Christy, "Conversations: We make our own destiny.
I am an atheist... I don't understand religion
at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think
it's all nonsense.
Stanley Ralph Ross
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on
his mother's side.
S
Charles Schultz ~ American
cartoonist (1922-2000)
In an interview in 1999, Schultz said that although
his philosophical views evolved over the years, "the term that best describes
me now is 'secular humanist.'" He went on to say, "I despise those shallow
religious comics. Dennis the Menace, for instance, is the most shallow.
When they show him praying--I just can't stand that sort of thing, talking
to God about some cutesy thing that he'd done during the day. I don't think
Hank Ketcham [Dennis' creator] has any deep knowledge of things like that."
Schultz cringed at the mention of Family Circus, the strip by Bill Keane
that is strewn with cutesy references to Jesus (who wants to protect children
on school buses, but can't because of laws about separation of church and
state!) and those sickly-sweet images of invisible deceased grandparents
looming protectively over the kids. "Oh, I can't stand that," Schultz laughed.
"You could get diabetes reading them, couldn't you?"
Martin Sheen
I'm one of those cliff-hanging Catholics. I don't believe in
God, but I do believe Mary was his mother.
The Simpsons
"Marge, have you ever actually sat down and read
this thing? Technically, we're not even allowed to go to the bathroom."
- Priest on "The Simpson's" (remember the town which God killed because
Onan pissed on a wall?)
Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're
just making him madder and madder. - Homer Simpson
Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're
just making him madder and madder.
I put out these milk and cookies as a sacrifice. If Thou wishest me
to eat them, please give me a sign by doing absolutely nothing. MMMMmmmm...
Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for
nothing. ~ Bart Simpson saying grace.
Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place
in organized religion. School Superintendant on The Simpsons
Frank Sinatra
When lip service to some mysterious deity permits bestiality on Wednesday
and absolution on Sunday, cash me out.
Azura Skye
I wonder who got the shit job of scouring the planet for the 15000
species of butterfly or the 8800 species of ant they eventually took on
board Noah’s Ark. But at least we got that magical rainbow for all their
trouble.
Linda Smith ~
British TV and radio comedienne
If god wanted us to believe in him... he'd exist!
Han Solo
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute
for a good blaster at your side. - Han Solo, Star Wars
Mira Sorvino (1967- ) ~ American
actress and activist
Why does it not say anywhere in the Bible that slavery is wrong? How
is it possible that it is not immoral to own another person? Why isn't
that one of the Ten Commandments? "Thou shalt not own another person."
You want to sit here and tell me that fornication is worse than owning
someone?
Gloria Steinem
It's an incredible con job when you think about
it, to believe something now in exchange for something after death. Even
corporations with their reward systems don't try to make it posthumous.
By the year 2000, we will, I hope, raise our children to believe in
human potential, not God.
Howard Stern
I'm sickened by all religions. Religion has divided
people. I don't think there's any difference between the pope wearing a
large hat and parading around with a smoking purse and an African painting
his face white and praying to a rock.
Here's what happens when you die -- you sit in a box and get eaten by
worms. I guarantee you that when you die, noting cool happens.
Barbra Streisand
How could the Pat Robertsons and the Pat Buchanans, presuming to be
the spokespeople for God, spew such doctrines of divisiveness, intolerance
and inhumanity? Who is that God?
T
Lily Tomlin
Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to
be praying - but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Ted Turner ~ Referring to his estranged
wife Jane Fonda
She went and became a Christian overnight, behind my back, without
telling me. And she knows I had no use for organized religion.
U
Peter Ustinov
(1921-2004)
~ British actor and writer
Beliefs are what divide people. Doubt unites
them.
V
Jesse Ventura
~
American politician, Navy SEAL and Professional wrestler.
Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for
weak-minded people who need strength in numbers. It tells people to go
out and stick their noses in other people's business.
Kurt Vonnegut
Say what you will about the sweet miracle of
unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely
vile.
W
Bill Waterson ~ Calvin &
Hobbes
It's hard to be religious when certain people
are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Orson Welles - American motion-picture
actor, director, producer, and writer, 1915-1985
I have a great love and respect for religion,
great love and respect for atheism. What I hate is agnosticism, people
who do not choose.
Robin Williams
If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's
hairdo go down?
Stevie Wonder ("Superstition)
The man hates superstition but he believes in God. | I think that's
inconsistent, I think that's really odd. | When you believe in things that
you don't understand then you suffer. | Superstition ain't the way.
Lt. Commander Worf ~ Star Trek
We killed all our Klingon gods centuries ago. They were more trouble
than they were worth.
Steven Wright
I was driving alone one day and I saw a hitchhiker with a sign saying
Heaven. So I hit him.
Y
Henny Youngman
(1906-1998) ~ Comedian
I wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.
They have no holidays.
Z
Frank Zappa
The essence of Christianity is told us in the
Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of
Knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted
to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you
had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions. .
. . Is this not an absolutely anti-intellectual religion?
I don't want to see any religious people in public office because they're
working for another boss.
If you want to get together in any exclusive situation
and have people love you, fine- but to hang all this desperate sociology
on the idea of The Cloud-Guy who has The Big Book, who knows if you've
been bad or good- and CARES about any of it- to hang it all on that, folks,
is the chimpanzee part of the brain working.
Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as
far as I'm concerned -- I support your right to enjoy it. However,
I would appreciate it if you exhibited more respect for the rights of those
people who do not wish to share your dogma, rapture or necrodestination.
My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy
child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can.
