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Ca - na - da (Priceless!)
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Everything I Need to Know About Life, I Learned From Noah's Ark
Turn on your speakers and pop the bubbles
A RESEARCH PRIMER
#1) Research: The practice of reading three books that nobody has ever read before in order to write a fourth book that nobody will ever read.
#2) Steal from one – that’s plagiarism; Steal from many – that’s research!
#3) Even under the most rigid set of controlled conditions, the lab animal will do what it damn well pleases!
#4) Research Glossary [of Incompetence]: What is written… vs. [what is meant]
It has long been known that…
[I haven’t bothered to look up the original reference]
A survey of the earlier literature…
[I even read through some of last year’s journals]
Of great theoretical and practical importance…
[Interesting to me]
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions…
[The experiments didn’t work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it]
We are excited by this finding…
[It looks publishable]
The W-Pb system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behaviour…
[The fellow in the lab next door had some already made up]
High purity… Very high purity… Extremely high purity… Super-purity… Spectroscopically pure…
[Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier]
A fiducial reference line…
Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study…
[The results on the others didn’t make sense and were ignored]
Preliminary experiments have shown…
[We did it once but couldn’t repeat it]
We have a tentative explanation…
[I picked this up in a bull session last night.]
Accidentally strained during mounting…
[Dropped on the floor]
Handled with extreme care throughout the experiments…
[Not dropped on the floor]
Typical results are shown…
[The best results are shown]
Although some detail has been lost in reproduction, it is clear from the original photograph that…
[It is impossible to tell from the photograph]
A surprising finding…
[We barely had time to revise the abstract. Of course we fired the technician]
Presumably at longer times…
[I didn’t take the time to find out]
We didn’t carry out the long term study…
[We like to go home at 5 pm. What do you think we are, slaves?]
The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent
As good as could be expected…
These results will be reported at a later date…
[I might possibly get around to this sometime]
The most reliable values are those of Jones…
[He was a student of mine…]
It is suggested that… It is believed that… It may be that…
It is generally believed that…
[A couple of other guys think so too]
It might be argued that…
[I have such a good answer to this objection that I shall now raise it]
It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding…
[I don’t understand it]
Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated…
[Neither does anybody else]
Correct to within an order of magnitude…
It is to be hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field…
[This paper isn’t very good, but neither are any of the others in this miserable subject]
Thanks are due to Joe Bloggs for assistance with the experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions…
[Bloggs did the work and Doe explained what it meant]
From Hamlet by Shakespeare
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how
life turns rotten.
And the Grand Finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." --
Neil A. Armstrong
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.
Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.
Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".
The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".
But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.
Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" - pronounced "ay?" This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
- 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
- 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
- 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
- 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
- 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
More than a century after the creation of Coca-Cola, we're still as much in love with this most famous of soft drinks as our great-grandparents were. Hold up a Coke, and you proclaim all that's best about the American way of life: Coca-Cola is first dates and shy kisses, a platoon of war-weary GIs getting letters from home, and an old, rusted sign creaking in the wind outside the hometown diner. Coca-Cola is also one of the most successful companies the world has ever known; nothing can be that big and popular, so much a part of everyday life, without having legends spring up around it. Coca-Cola's uniquely influential position in our culture has led to a special set of legends we call 'Cokelore'; a collection of Coke trivia and tall tales sure to refresh even the most informationally-parched reader.
Math through the ages
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest, birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $ 100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es
To realize the value of ten years:
Ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize the value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one hour:
Ask lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
To realize the value of a friend:
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir" - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.....
and how old do you think I am ???.....
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and
pretty sad at the same time.
This woman is in her mid 60s!
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