Solution to Canada's Military Budget Problems
Urban Legends and Other False Information
WHAT DOES A TEACHER MAKE?
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.
"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminded the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about teachers: "Those who can do. Those who can't teach."
To corroborate, he said to another guest: "You're a teacher, Susan," he said. "Be honest. What do you make?"
Susan, who had a reputation of honesty and frankness, replied, "You want to know what I make?" "I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal of Honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face if the student did not do his or her very best."
"I can make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence."
"I can make parents tremble in fear when I call home"
"You want to know what I make?"
"I make kids wonder."
"I make them question."
"I make them criticize."
"I make them apologize and mean it."
"I make them write."
"I make them read, read, read."
"I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, and definitely beautiful over and over and over again, until they will never misspell either one of those words again."
"I make them show all their work in math and hide it all on their final drafts in English."
"I make them understand that if you have the brains, then follow your heart... and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them no attention."
"You want to know what I make?" "I make a difference." "What about you?"
Canada's top 100 trips (and you don't need a passport)
We surveyed friends, colleagues and adventurers for their peak Canadian experiences
National Post ~ Complied by Matthew Romanada
This article appeared a few years ago. . . some of the reference links may not be still active
1. Go whale watching. Visit the whaling station in Port Alice, B.C., or board a whale-watching boat in Newfoundland. coastalsafari.com, trinityvacations.com, princeofwhales.com, orcaspirit.com
2. See the wild ponies on Sable Island, N.S., about 300 kilometres off the coast. collections.ic.gc.ca/sableisland
3. Hike to the top of Mont Tremblant, 90 kms north of Montreal. tremblant.ca
4. Drive the Trans-Canada Highway 1,000 kms across the Rockies from Calgary to Vancouver.
5. Drive Hwy. 132 in Gaspe, Que., and watch the clouds tumble down the mountain toward the St. Lawrence River.
6. Rent a bike and ride the Stanley Park seawall in Vancouver.
7. Walk the Dufferin Terrace in Quebec City, starting at the Plains of Abraham and ending at the Chateau Frontenac.
8. Take the helijet from downtown Vancouver to Victoria, a ride that business commuters take for granted but will leave visitors speechless. $109 to $179. helijet.com
9. Visit Head-Smashed-In-Buffalo-Jump, Alta., just to say you visited a place called Head-Smashed-In-Buffalo-Jump. The UNESCO World Heritage Site is near Fort Macleod, 175 kms south of Calgary. head-smashed-in.com
10. Take a ride on the Maid of the Mist in Niagara Falls, Ont. Sure, it's touristy, but worth every penny just the same. maidofthemist.com
11. Climb up Hamilton Mountain and take in the view of Burlington Bay and the Toronto skyline.
12. Visit Tofino, B.C., on Vancouver Island. Stay at the Wickannish Inn and watch a fall storm come in from the Pacific. wickinn.com
13. Skate for an afternoon on the Rideau Canal in Ottawa and have a beaver tail (a popular hot pastry).
14. Rent a hut on Lake Simcoe north of Toronto and take your old man ice fishing for perch or whitefish.
15. Do a northern lights tour in the Northwest Territories or the Yukon -- by dogsled. auroraborealisyukon.com, yukonwild.com, arcticodysseys.com
16. Do a pub crawl in St. John's, Nfld. And don't forget to kiss the cod.
17. Ski Cypress Mountain in Vancouver on a March morning. Then spend the afternoon at Ambleside Beach on Vancouver's north shore.
18. Travel to Arctic Bay, the northernmost point of Baffin Island, for summer solstice (June 21 or 22). baffinisland.ca
19. Bungee jump over the Nanaimo River, in Nanaimo, B.C. bungyzone.com
20. Drive up the Dempster Highway to Tuktoyaktuk, NWT., then swim in the Arctic Ocean.
21. Canoe Algonquin Provincial Park in Ontario and camp there overnight. algonquinpark.on.ca
22. Take the Agawa Canyon train tour starting from Sault Ste. Marie, Ont. agawacanyontourtrain.com
23. Wander through the hoodoos in Writing-on-Stone Provincial Park, about 350 kms southeast of Calgary. cd.gov.ab.ca/enjoying_alberta/parks
24. Go to the top of the CN Tower in Toronto. If you're fit, take the stairs. The less sporty can take the tower's glass elevator. cntower.ca
25. Stay in the Ice Hotel near Quebec City. It is open from January to the end of April. icehotel-canada.com
26. Ride a motorcycle across the north shore of Lake Superior in October on the Trans-Canada Highway.
27. Visit North America's largest puffin sanctuary at the Witless Bay Ecological Reserve near St. John's, Nfld. explorenewfoundlandandlabrador.com
28. Visit the Spirit Sands Desert at Carberry, Man., about 160 kms west of Winnipeg. There is sand as far as the eye can see. gov.mb.ca/conservation/parks
29. Go to a native reserve for a powwow. The Wikwemikong powwow is on Ontario's Manitoulin Island, Aug. 5 to 7. manitoulin-island.com/wikwemikong
30. Take a cross-country trip on Via Rail. Trains are, of course, outdated when it comes to transporting people in Canada (the distances are too great, the stops too frequent and the prices too high), but there's still something hopelessly romantic about riding the rails. viarail.ca
31. See Haliburton, in Ontario's cottage country, when the leaves change.
32. Visit LaRonge, Sask., about 375 km north of Saskatoon, and pay a guide to take you wild rice harvesting the old-fashioned way -- by canoe. sasktourism.com
33. Find the Sleeping Giant near Thunder Bay, Ont. ontarioparks.com
34. Find the underground tunnels in Moose Jaw, Sask., that were used by Al Capone in the 1920s to smuggle liquor. tunnelsofmoosejaw.com
35. See the Hope Slide in Hope, B.C. The landslide in 1965 was one of largest land movements ever recorded. hope.travel.bc.ca, seethefraservalley.com/hope/hope.htm
36. See the Bay of Fundy tidal bore. bayoffundy.com
37. Visit Exeter, Ont., north of London, and look for one of the town's famous white squirrels.
38. Drink wine in B.C.'s lush Okanagan region during harvest time in the fall. Easterners should do the same in Ontario's Niagara region. okwinetours.com, winecountrytours.ca
39. Go to Isladingadagurinn in Gimli, Man., and enjoy the Icelandic contribution to Canadian culture. The festival takes place Aug. 4 to 7 this year. icelandicfestival.com
40. Drive from Toronto to Montreal without going on the 401. One route is to take the old Hwy 2 to just past Cornwall, Ont. Then take Route 34 to Route 18, which changes into Route 340 at the Ontario-Quebec border.
41. Take a tour of a Canadian Armed Forces base. Realize the important job these men and women do for Canada.
42. Visit the Hibernia oil platform off the east coast on the Grand Banks of Newfoundland.
43. Take a dip in a B.C. hot spring when it is -10C. bchotsprings.com.
44. Spend a day exploring Mont Royal Park in Montreal. Climb to the summit and take in the view of the city below. tourisme-montreal.org
45. Relive the Klondike gold rush by hiking the Chilkoot Trail, in the Yukon. parkscanada.pch.gc.ca
46. Go down a gold mine in Timmins, Ont. timminsgoldminetour.com
47. Take a sailing tour on the Bluenose, the ship on the back of our dime. museum.gov.ns.ca
48. Drive the Cabot Trail around Cape Breton, with not-to-be-missed stops in Baddeck and Louisbourg. cbisland.com
49. Visit Batoche, Sask., 88 km north of Saskatoon. Here, Louis Riel and his Metis supporters fought the only battle on Canadian soil since Confederation. pc.gc.ca/lhn-nhs/sk/batoche/index_e.asp.
50. Take a drive through the Prairies on a hot July day with your windows rolled down. Observe the space, the emptiness, and how beautiful it is.
51. Visit Parliament Hill, take the tour, then go for a walk around the little-visited back of the Centre Block. Time it so you can take in the Canada Day fireworks.
52. Go to the Calgary Stampede, (July 7 to 16). It began in 1886 as an agricultural fair and has blossomed into a massive party with rodeos, chuckwagon races and more. calgarystampede.com
53. Visit Lake O'Hara in Yoho National Park in Field, B.C. It has been designated a UNESCO World Heritage site. pc.gc.ca/pn-np/bc/yoho/index_e.asp
54. Ride a crazy carpet down Murder Mountain in Alton, Ont. The steep path between 100-foot pine trees will drive you to scream, laugh and pray.
55. Play Highlands Links, arguably Canada's best golf experience, located in Ingonish Beach, N.S. highlandslinksgolf.com
56. Go sport fishing for salmon off a tugboat in the Queen Charlottes, B.C. britishcolumbia.com
57. Visit a working maple syrup farm in Ontario when the sap is running. Or visit a working grain farm in Saskatchewan during harvest. Or visit a Quebec dairy farm during milking, or an Alberta beef ranch during roundup.
58. Take a boat tour of the 1,000 Islands around Gananoque, near Kingston, Ont. gananoque.com, townofgananoque.ca
59. Trudge the beach at Prince Edward Island National Park in August. pc.gc.ca/pn-np/pe/pei-ipe/index_e.aspgov.pe.ca/visitorsguide
60. Watch a lake freighter go up and down Lock 3 on the Welland Canal near Niagara Falls, Ont. wellandcanal.com
61. Buy lobster right off the boat in Alma, N.B. You can't get a fresher lobster anywhere. fundylobster.com
62. Hike to Larch Valley -- the valley on the back of the old $10 bill -- outside of Lake Louise, Alta. canadianrockies.net
63. Visit Point Pelee National Park in Ontario. It is the southernmost point of Canada. pc.gc.ca/pn-np/on/pelee /index_e.asp
64. Go heliskiing in the Bugaboos around Invermere, B.C. bcadventure.com.
65. Attempt Vancouver's Grouse Grind, a rugged 2.9-km hike that takes you up 853 metres, overlooking the city. hiking.grousemountain.com
66. Visit L'Anse aux Meadows, Nfld. The ancient Viking village is a UNESCO World Heritage site. pc.gc.ca/lhn-nhs/nl/meadows/index_e.asp
67. Eat perogies and halopchies in Vegreville, Alta., east of Edmonton. vegreville.com
68. See a Montreal Canadiens v. Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game -- live.
69. Go to a hockey game in a small town. In fact, go to a hockey game in Brantford, Ont., hometown of Wayne Gretzky.
70. Find the Diefenbunker in Ottawa. The huge four-storey bunker was built to house the Canadian government in the event of a nuclear war. diefenbunker.ca
71. Walk the two blocks from Vancouver's Downtown East Side to Gastown, and witness how two very different worlds can co-exist so close together.
72. Visit Chinatown in any city in Canada with a Chinese-speaking friend. Ask lots of questions.
73. Visit Wasaga Beach, Ont., on a hot, long weekend in summer.
74. Have afternoon tea at the Fairmont Empress Hotel in Victoria, and contemplate the white man's burden as you silently watch the sun set on Her Majesty's empire. fairmont.com
75. Visit Tillsonburg, Ont., to see whether your "back still aches when you hear that word." Be sure to check out the tobacco museum.
76. Attend a Hamilton Tiger Cats game and yelp out the Oska-wee-wee cheer.
77. Sit in the stands at Molson Stadium on a clear August evening, watching the Montreal Alouettes with an ice cold beer.
78. Buy a bag of fresh doughnuts at CanWest Park during a Winnipeg Goldeyes baseball game. goldeyes.com
79. Take a microbrewery tour in Ontario. The Ontario Craft Beer Route includes about 26 microbreweries. ontariocraftbrewers.ca
80. Visit Cape Spear in Newfoundland, the easternmost point of North America.
81. Climb up Vimy Ridge and clamber out of the still-existing trench lines at Beaumont Hamel, where the Royal Newfoundland Regiment was all but wiped out in 1916. Vimy Ridge and Beaumont Hamel are in France, but were donated to Canada in perpetuity by the French government and thus are technically part of Canada. vac-acc.gc.ca
82. Camp in the dunes section of Lake Huron's Pinery Provincial Park, Ont. pinerypark.on.ca.
83. Take a French immersion course in Quebec. Realize there are people who don't function in English, and enjoy their huge families. immersionbdc.qc.ca
84. Go hiking in Gros Morne National Park in Newfoundland (near Cornerbrook), another UNESCO World Heritage Site. grosmorne.com
85. Hike the west coast trail on Vancouver Island. westcoasttrailbc.com
86. Take a week and do the Toronto International Film Festival. e.bell.ca/filmfest
87. Visit Churchill, Man., to see polar bears up close and personal. travelmanitoba.com
88. Go to a small town fair, such as the Havelock Fair in Quebec, an hour south of Montreal. It is the oldest agricultural fair in Canada, founded in 1871. havelockfair.com
89. Check out the Nova Scotia International Tattoo in Halifax. A celebration of Canada's military heritage. From July 1 to 8. nstattoo.ca
90. Visit Montreal for its jazz festival, and join the estimated two million other music lovers. June 29 to July 9. montrealjazzfest.com
91. Get a taste for the islands, mon, at the Caribana festival, held annually in summer in Toronto. caribana.com
92. Go to Caraquet, N. B., for the Acadian Festival. It is held July 15 to Aug. 30. festivalacadien.ca.
93. Travel to the town formerly known as Berlin (Kitchener, Ont.) and explore Canada's German heritage with an Oktoberfest celebration. Oct. 6 to 16. oktoberfest.ca
94. Explore the Basque whaling history in Red Bay, Labrador. redbayheritage.ca
95. Visit Dinosaur Valley in Drumheller, Alta., east of Calgary. While there, check out the Tyrrell Museum. dinosaurvalley.com, tyrrellmuseum.com
96. For a shopping experience where you are certain to get lost at least once, go to the West Edmonton Mall. westedmall.com
97. Tour the oil sands near Fort McMurray, Alta., around 450 km northeast of Edmonton, and see why Alberta is the land of plenty these days. While there, make sure to visit the nearby Wood Buffalo National Park. fortmcmurraytourism.com
98. Tour the Hiram Walker Canadian Club distillery in Windsor, Ont. canadianclubwhisky.com/tours.html.
99. For something a little different, check out Saskatoon's International Fringe Festival. This year's event runs from Aug. 3 to 13. 25thstreettheatre.org
100. Take a trek to Cavendish, P.E.I., have some delicious potatoes and visit the home of Anne of Green Gables. gov.pe.ca© National Post 2006
LETTER FROM AN '80s CHILD
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up - what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I've reached my thirties, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so darn easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't even know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The internet--we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! Those who wanted to steal music, had to go to the record store and shoplift it themselves! Try sticking a foot-square LP album under your jacket, buddy! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what the hell I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little devils!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in the '80s!
GREAT THINKERS OF OUR TIME
1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are."
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti- smoking campaign.
6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
9."I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle
11."That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
---A Democratic Congressional Candidate in Texas
12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air
and water that are doing it."
---Former U S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
--General William Westmoreland
And last but not least-a parting word from Dan Quayle:
14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Makes you feel pretty smart doesn't it?
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in modern business, education and government, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.~Das
This is apparently a real letter sent to landowner Ryan DeVries from the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read the response -- but read the original letter first.
Mr. Ryan DeVries
Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that our staff may schedule a follow-up site inspection.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, David L. Price
Land and Water Management Division
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. Price
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris".
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is: aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?
The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English).
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!).
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Faculty Teaching Coordinator
George Carlin's views on aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . ... . YOU BECOME 21! YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 .. . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards;! "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while ! you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
1. sucrose glucose fructose
2. beanpole stringbean toothpick
3. Cherilyn LaPierre Madonna Ciccone Donovan Leitch
4. Wings Kings Penguins
5. George Bush Gerald Ford Al Gore
6. contralto falsetto alto
7. Burns Frost Browning
8. James Dougherty Arthur Miller Joe DiMaggio
9. Ontario Erie Michigan
10. Agate Jasper Garnet
11. a prune a knuckle a Shar Pei
12. Marciano Graziano Balboa
13. "Doc" "Duke" "Count"
14. Theodore Simon Alvin
15. key scale legend
16. two by ten two by eight two by six
17. Al Capp Hank Ketcham Chic Young
18. Statue of Liberty A welder An Olympian
19. Bull Hound Sheep
20. a river a pickup truck a hospital
21. Mike Nesmith Peter Tork Davy Jones
22. snow corn dandruff
23. Jane Seymour Catherine Howard Anne Boleyn
24. David Letterman Alfred E. Newman Lauren Hutton
25. Manhattan Zelig Sleeper
26. screen dump Hail Mary
27. bootleggers flagpole sitters flappers
28. sea shells wagon wheels bowties
29. Mouse that Roared Dr. Strangelove Pink Panther
30. pile driver sleeper suplex
31. steer wether gelding
32. charging blocking travelling
33. USA Presidential Inauguration Olympics Leap Year
34. Pennsylvania Reading Short Line
35. Harry James Tommy Dorsey Woody Herman
36. King Queen Twin
37. Golf Time Cosmopolitan
38. blood ink blot multiple choice
39. red duct Scotch
40. gun baby talcum
41. yard chop pogo
42. Elizabeth Taylor Natalie Wood Melanie Griffith
43. Silver Trigger Mr. Ed
44. Penguin Kiwi Ostrich
45. race compact convertible
46. Pukatawagan Peguis Sioux Valley
47. Kickapoo Mississauga Choctaw
48. Dan George Sitting Bull Richard Bruce
49. Churchill Mackenzie Red
50. Jack White Sol
OPTIONAL CLASS E-MAIL ASSIGNMENT:
Answer as many as possible, send your answers to the student on your right,
discuss results with your neighbour, and display final results in the day's Weblog
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BILL AND SUE-ON HILLMAN: A 50-YEAR MUSICAL ODYSSEY
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